Monday, February 25, 2008

a red balloon blew past me today


I watched it dance in the wind
and I was jealous
but now, the street is empty
except for the people
except for the cars
and the neon lights
there are no more red balloons
for me
or for you
and I can only hope for the possibility
of something so insignificant
to breathe life into me again
tomorrow.

no smoking today


only the difficulty of life
and getting out of bed
sometimes
it's the simple things
the little things
that seem to be too much
they take control of me
ruin me
no smoking today
and this pain inside of my heart
hasn't faded
grown stronger, it seems
and there is much difficulty
with life
and work
and i am sitting here
again
typing these same words
but a different day
and i guess that
i
am a different man,
because of it.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

no new pictures this week

maybe a few later today,
so 3 old pictures:
a barn in Milford,
a door inside of Toledo Edison,
and some bleacher seats inside of Tiger Stadium...


Saturday, February 16, 2008

we were driving today

talking about a building that we had gotten in to
for photographs
it was a real time capsule
overwhelming really.
we were also talking about the difficulties of photoshop
the learning curve is steep
especially at the very beginning.
here's a picture from that building, and
yes it's been seriously photoshoped.

a good friend of mine

drove us all the way across michigan,
to another state
just so that i could take this picture.
well,
he took pictures too
and 12 1/2 hours later
it is clear to me
again
that i only feel alive when
i am attempting to create-
all other things in my life
are balanced- better
across the state
through snow
and the cold
and doors that wont close
and chains that don't shackle
and the dirt
and the soot
and the stories that we will be able to tell,
a friend of mine drove across the state
just so that i could find peace
in my sleep
tonight.

Friday, February 15, 2008

drove down dirt roads today

and they were bleached white
by winter's indifference
cold and bright
and the wind blew
like magic through the trees
and it seemed like the camera,
was an extension of me.

i tried today...


Thursday, February 14, 2008

listening to a lecture,

and viewing slides of
the greatest photographers of the 20th century,
i was humbled by my ineptitude,
and their foresight
so much to learn
to do
to photograph
feels like so little time
this late in the game
all this life behind me
makes me wonder how much is left to discover.

overcast

so grateful for the time, exploring last sunday
fortunate to be able to create
able to try
to photograph
cold, and the wind blowing
the light, poor
the sky, pale
yet still glad to be holding a camera
walking
with a tripod over my shoulder
exploring
learning
living.

recording light






Monday, February 11, 2008

another chair

took more pictures of chairs sunday,
been doin' that for awhile now
it's difficult to walk the line of
just plopping your camera down and taking a photograph
or working with what you've got and
trying to make the photograph

i'm not sure which one i'm doing most of the time,
but i'm trying Ringo.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

went to the packard plant today,

so good to be back, in detroit
exploring
taking pictures
shooting film again
wandering through the cavernous tomb, that
is the packard
remembering years past
certain photographs
time spent with friends, learning
shooting
growing as a photographer
as a man
as a friend
loving the feeling of a camera in my hand
through the snow
with good friends
exploring detroit again,
as it should be
and man, today was a great day.






Friday, February 8, 2008

ttv

going exploring tomorrow,

haven't been out in awhile
been to Detroit in awhile
went to jail on December 30th
for taking pictures in an old school
art crime
having been to jail for my art....
back to the city tomorrow
back to Detroit
driving down I-75
listening to electronic music
drinking Starbucks
driving towards abandoned buildings
neglect
the evidence of time
and weather
i have taken for granted
the 1000's of pictures and stories
that we have acquired
having been to jail for my love
i promise i won't take you lightly
anymore.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

i just bought a plastic camera

eagerly awaiting it's arrival
i currently own a digital camera,
when new, cost almost $2000
i also shoot with a 35mm film camera,
when new, was about $1000....
i am waiting, somewhat impatiently
for my $49 plastic camera
i am 100% sure
that the images born inside of my plastic camera
will be far more wonderful
and pleasing, then those shot
with my modern cameras....
developing my own film again,
i just bought a plastic camera.

this guy got ran over by a train tonight

and it’s funny how an accident
brings strangers together
brings the lowest common denominator
out of us all
gathered around
on the side of the road
not looking at each another
talking about the tragedy
we waited
and then one of them told me
that the man was a drunk
and I thought about that....
when I walked away
there were no good-byes
or awkward exchanges
there was only me, in my car
wondering if the drunk was a coward
or if he was brave
and I have forgotten each of the strangers faces
as quickly as they
have forgotten mine
and I drive down the crowded highway
alone with the new
smoking a cigarette for him
driving for him
for the love that he lost
for the forgiveness squandered
and the mistakes repeated
I drive for him
knowing that he would do the same for me
in the end
there is honor
amongst thieves
and I find comfort in that
in the middle of it all
and the wind blows through the car
and the car cuts, through the wind
and the road is alive with the soul
of a man that I don’t know
I drive on it
onto a better place
far away from death
and indulgence
closer to something that I don’t understand
and I feel the road burning
alive with indecision and regret
some drunk got ran over by a train tonight-
I roll up the windows
and block out the wind.

no real content today,

only another day spent waiting
for the end
perhaps next week
next month
2 years from now
the insignificance of this day
might hold some greater meaning....
or maybe it won't
and i will have this day, archived on a blog
to remind me how futile
my life can actually be
even on super tuesday.

Monday, February 4, 2008

there’s this homeless guy

near my house
he sits at this intersection in an old barcalounger
sometimes he has an umbrella
and he chases dragonflies
mistaking them for opportunity
he sits there watching cars go by
watching life go by
and I think that he is laughing at us all
I wonder if he is Jesus
or Jim Morrison,
or Hemingway,
or maybe
he is lost without purpose
or meaning
they built a cellular superstore on his corner
and he was forced to move to the opposite side of his world
he has a brand new outlook on life now
and he has adapted with the kind of grace
that I can only admire and never understand
today he is sitting like royalty
under a ghetto palm
legs crossed,
under the shade
of a new beginning.

I saw Jesus at Borders


on Thursday night
He was reading a book
about conspiracy theories
the author was attempting to prove
that Salieri actually killed Mozart
I studied him
watched him
only because I have read that book
I imagined being able to talk intelligently
with Jesus
I was preparing my opening line
when a teenage girl walked up
talking on her cell phone
she was looking for a book
about adopting children from
a far away yet fashionable country
Jesus was annoyed by her
bothered by her unlimited nights and weekends
he placed the book back on the shelf
and he left
I was alone with her
and I felt sorry for her
she was neither pretty
nor interesting
and a lifetime of despondency
is likely waiting for her
in fact, she managed to run off
the son of God
eliminating my opportunity
to find out how Mozart died
I ran outside
looking for Him
and there was only the streets
and the cars passing
the wind blew through
my expectations
and I was lost
inside the loneliness
of myself.

sitting in this chair, again

only now
i'm not smoking
and i think of all the nights spent here
typing my way through the madness
never really making it
to the other side
but the hope
or the dream would keep me
sitting here
typing
torn between reality
and sadness
praying to the monsters and gods
smoking the night away
safe in the idea
that no one would come for me at 4 AM
never really finding my way
to the other side
and i realize now
that such wonderful terror
came with a price
not being able to have it any other way
has cost me
perhaps in years
or love
or some remaining piece of my heart
and the sadness
of this monitor glowing
glaring
back at me
has been all that i have known
for hundreds
and hundreds of nights
afraid of new silence
there has always been comfort in familiarity
whether it was killing me
feeding me
fueling me
i can see now that i have crawled my way
in to some kind of place
somewhere new
still typing
sitting here
having quit smoking
and the nights have now turned shorter
the keys seem less responsive
punching my way
typing my way
out of this place
into some kind of new
functioning silence
still praying to the gods
that i have created
some of them born in fear
or resolution
each one of them serving a purpose
if only to walk with me
until i find my way through-
to the other side.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

I write on napkins

and news papers
in traffic
in the bathroom
I have written on the walls
in soup kitchens
and rehabs
and the rooming house critics
have read these words
and judged me
for what they do not know
the janitors turned editors
have measured my words
against their beliefs
and they have washed them away
with dirty rags
soaked in contempt
creating new opportunity
for someone better
more deserving
to succeed where I have failed.

didn’t graduate high school

under achieved
I think
ended up
on a guy named Ralph’s couch
under achieved
I’m sure

had a picture of my daughter
on Ralph’s broken TV
in a shiny 5x7 frame
she was the only thing pure
that I had ever known

slept on a dirty couch
haunted by her presence
and the dreams of days
once greater
than an unpaid debt
to a penniless junky
with a couch.

I drove home from work today

trying to put distance
between me and the world
and I saw this old man
riding a bike
momentarily defeating the inevitable.

Each time he pedaled
I imagined that He
was getting closer
to the truth
I wondered if he was smarter
made more mistakes
perhaps the bicycle
was his penance for life’s regrets
does he move forward for love
for spite
for the dreams that have escaped him
does he ride towards forgiveness
rebirth
or deliverance?

I drive home from work
trying to put distance
between me and the world
and the old man passes me
and he turns in a direction
that I don’t travel
and I imagine him smiling
laughing along with my misfortune
knowing that one day soon
there will be victory in death
for him.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

i am watching the woman down the street

clean her windows
wondering where she found the time
or desire
i'm watching her
because she is not lost
in the lack of purpose
and i am here
without anything more than this
more than the love of 2 months ago
2 years ago
more than the indifference of this new silence,
the woman across the street
fills me with conviction
and self appraisal
each window cleaner than mine
and i imagine that she lets the sun in;
strangers in
neighbors and friends and
i am watching her knowing that my neighbors
have contempt for me
and i have nothing in my heart for them.
all of it was taken from me
i have only the absurdity of this moment
the irrelevance of a woman
that i don't know
cleaning her windows
representing what is missing
in my life
in my dark corners
my dresser drawers
in the dust where the lamp used to be
and across the street she cleans her windows
perhaps to clear her conscience
or to pass the time
or the blame
and i am watching-
wanting new neighbors
new laughter
and a better beginning.

Friday, February 1, 2008

this is my first post......

i have created a new blog,
left my old one, for now
and now i have no content.
i have 2 years of content behind me,
and this makes for a bad first post.