Friday, June 26, 2009

i had this friend jerry

growing up
his mother home schooled him
jerry lacked all of the social skills
that you, or i
take for granted everyday;
please and thank you
play nice with others
share-
you know, all
of the things that you learn in kindergarten
anyway
we were about 16
partying in his mothers house
when he told me that he wore his sisters underwear
"everyday", i asked
"yeah, every day", he said
i was jerry's only friend
so i told him that he should never mention this-
or discuss this
with anyone else
ever
our friendship needless to say
did not last
years went by
and i got a call from him
i still don't know to this day how he got my number
i asked him if he was wearing mens underwear
"yes", he said
"ever since that day we talked about it"
i told him that i was pleased to hear that
and then i said good bye
i haven't spoken with him since
i sometimes wonder
how he's doing...

Thursday, June 25, 2009

i used to stay on this guy ralph's couch

we drank together
got high together
his girlfriend used to fry sauerkraut
at 2 am
while we partied in the other room
we passed the bottle around
passed the weed around
sometimes pills
and other things
waylon jennings would play over the old radio
in the corner
i was neither a fan of waylons
or of sauerkraut
but they both seemed to go together-
2 o'clock in the morning
and we didn't know what was out there
waiting for us
there would be no more decency
no more innocence
all would be lost, to
bad choices
and circumstance
so much pain would be waiting
on the other side
passing the bottle around-
not thinking
or caring
or worrying,
never praying
or asking for too much
afraid of the end result-
sauerkraut
and an old Hi Fi
the wind blowing through a tattered curtain
that i'm pretty sure that the last tenant left behind
a broken couch
broken springs
and 2 broken kids
drunk on self righteousness
poor choices
and everything in between-
waylon jennings
and i still cant get that smell out of my mind
out of my heart
a lot of years have passed
and so much damage has been done
most of it could have been so easily avoided
poor choices
and 2 AM
but i guess it was to be expected
passing the weed around
passing the virtue
the blame
and i haven't seen or heard from him in over a dozen years
maybe it's better that way
while waylon plays
on someone's radio
a warm june breeze blows, through my window
there's no sauerkraut tonight
no bottle
or pills
only a memory that won't go away
can't go away
so wherever you are tonight
ralph
i tip my hat to you
hoping that you've made it this far
my friend
we shared a lot of pain together
eat well
sleep well
and good night...

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

my neighbor got hit in the head back in 1982

and he ended up with some kind of settlement
today
27 years later
parked outside
is a 1982 cadillac,
an 82 suburban,
and an 82 chevy van
he also has an 82 water skiing boat
each month
the mail man brings him money
and he eats a can of pineapples for breakfast everyday
i'm not sure if it's the pineapples or
the head injury
but he seems to be a pretty happy guy
i'm not really sure where i'm going with this
and i'm pretty confident that i don't have a picture to go along with it, but
i'm gonna try
so here goes:



and nope, i don't have a picture for this strange antic dote
but what the fuck
i have nothing to say
running out of ideas
out of angst
fodder
these are hard times
bukowski himself might find it difficult
to articulate his angst
what do i know
i have a neighbor who's trying to get back to 1982
and maybe he's smarter then all of us,
i don't know?

Sunday, June 21, 2009

it's the longest day of the year

and god damn
it's not over yet

happy father's day

i am a father—
i had a father—
perhaps you— are a father
my dad was a drunk
he died from alcoholism, as a matter of fact
my mother says that she witnessed him drinking while
laying in his hospital bed, dying
from cirrhosis of the liver
i suppose if you're going to do it,
do it all the way, eh?
anyway
i neither miss my father
nor hate him
i am not a drinker—
or a homosexual (not that there's anything wrong with that)
i guess i accepted my father being gone
because i was told that it would be alright
i believed my mother
had no real reason to doubt her
dad left when i was 2
died when i was 5
my older brother was a pretty good role model—
he is not a father
he is neither gay, nor alcoholic
anyway
where am i going with all of this?
i'm not sure really
i have this blog
and nothing to say today
but i thought that i would make a post
for you
and you
because if you're gonna do it,
do it all the way,
right?

Saturday, June 20, 2009

the game of life

so what if you ended up suckin' some guy off in an alley for $20
you can recover from that
you can recover from the needle
and the bottle
and even meth mouth
or the herps
it's only life man
and just because you lost your integrity back there
in the crack house
the dope house
the race track
it's ok
board games
life games
games of the heart
and one more chance at love
one more chance
at a 2nd chance
and you didn't know that she had a cock
but the fact that her adams apple was as big as her balls should have given that shit away
but it's cool baby
you can recover from that
from head lice
and a dirty ass
from a parking ticket
and busted shoe laces
don't sweat it sugar
it's only money right
there's always state fair and woodward
you know
the de lido motel baby
the game of life
a game of chance
but wait a minute
who drank the last of the chocolate milk and put the fuckin' carton back in the fridge man?

wtf!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

step in to the light my son

maybe you'll find what you've been looking for
maybe you'll find the answers
or that pair of sunglasses that
you've been wondering about
your rabbit's foot
or lucky coin
or the missing screw for the mirror that
connects to mom's dresser
you know the one
you helped her move it last fall
and you put the screw in your shirt pocket
and when you bent over you
thought that you heard it hit the floor
but that god damned dresser was just to heavy to set down
and look for it....
step in to the light
and maybe you'll find god
or jesus
or the devil
maybe mother mary
or the po-lice
or the woman across the courtyard who
likes to sing while she cooks pancakes....
step in to it
and let it wash over you
shoot through you
and maybe you'll find the reason for global warming
the solution to detroit's trash problem
maybe you'll find love
or peace
or terror
or that secret that she's been keeping from you
what about that old war medal
that brown belt
that photo of you and chucky miller?
step in to it
run through it
sit down in the middle of it
all
and maybe i'll be there
wondering what the neighbor did with that hammer
that i forgot
under his kitchen sink last week,
maybe
just maybe,
and if i'm there
with you
perhaps together
we can see through to the other side
make sense of it all
turn the madness in to life's lessons
maybe
step in to the light
and we'll see what happens
right?
but i guess there's always a chance that it's just
some fucking asshole sitting in the driveway
who's too stupid to turn his headlights off
yeah,
that's probably it
fuckin' asshole....

Friday, June 12, 2009

i am home on a friday at 1:42 PM

partly because of the economy
and also because of my own short comings....
home
not satisfied with daytime TV
or sleeping any longer
i will take matters in to my own hands
i will head out-
in to the arena-
of life...

Monday, June 8, 2009

my wife reads this blog sometimes

and she internalizes the bad parts
not the good stuff
only the negative
in her defense, there
aren't many positive things on this blog
other then the photography maybe?
i'm considering banning her from this page....
no one in my family, other then her
knows about my internet activities
not my mother
or my daughter
the most that anyone really knows, is
that i like to go in to abandoned buildings
and when they think that, they
assume, the train station?
anyway,
i'll close this on some more negative words
that my wife can read and take to heart-
i am sad
and depressed
and filled with fear
and lack of faith
or belief
-i feel like someone lied to me
when i was a boy
like the books that they forced me to read
were wrong
fiction at it's best
i have always felt different
alone
not necessarily less then
or better then
just different
like i have been asked to pay a higher price
a different price
i don't know really?
most days, this is as far as i can go with it....
i have no self appraisal that accurately fits
and while many have come close,
ultimately
it's me who has to understand all of this
so wherever you are (my wife)
whenever this is
stop reading these words
and know that it doesn't have anything to do with you....

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Thursday, June 4, 2009

i have been here before

hungry
angry
lonely
tired...
the easy one is hungry;
just eat something i guess
perhaps sleeping might help too?
i could surround myself with more people,
more friends
except i don't really like people,
and i have no more friends
the angry part might be a different story
we'll have to see
i have been here before
only this time, i'm a little older
so i can't quite remember what i did, to
find my way through it
it seemed like such a crisis
then
a distant memory now
i have been here before
i guess i'll lay down
and eat some chips or something....

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

just got a new camera,



and the files are roughly twice the size of the old ones
twice the quality
twice the work
twice the frustration
not enough ram
not enough memory
not enough god
or sleep
or poetry
not enough steak
and strong coffee
twice the size
and twice the hassle
just got a new camera
so much, for the recession...

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

i'm not sure if i like this photo

but i don't have anything else
today
not for you
not for them
the do-ers
the seek-ers
the watchers,
maybe
i don't know
i feel empty sometimes-
no faith
or belief in anything greater
caught up in the pain
the thoughts
and ideas
the things i've learned
-taught myself?
and this is what i have
all that i have
a picture of a nursing station
inside of an old hospital,
in detroit...