Tuesday, July 5, 2011

most nights

i do this because i have to
i have to get it out there
on paper
on line
it's the only way
that i can get better
go further

most days, it's what i have to do
i have no choice
because there's a wanting- somewhere
inside of me that tells me to,
i can't do it for the recognition
or the praise
or the acknowledgement
those are all the wrong reasons
and that would make this
impossible

somewhere there's a want inside of me
that never dies
i never stop hearing
or listening to it-
because i can't
because this is all that i have
all that i am

it's these words
these photos
these thoughts
this is my soul, wanting
and i have to put it out there
i have to see the words come to life
the photographs have to live on this page
this screen...
it's the only way that i can survive
the only way that i can be better

i do this because i have to
because my heart tells me to
because there's a wanting in my blood
my veins-
my fingers sometimes burn
my camera- sometimes
burns
i do this because god wants me to
because god allows me to
i do this because of pain
because of hunger
depression
passion
creativity
because of poetry
because of life
love
madness
i do this because of fucking
crying
punching
hitting
stabbing
i do this because of soup kitchens
because of the streets
because of the game
the hustle
i do this because i have to
because i have no choice
because to not do this
would be too much
it would be a slow death
it would be mainstream
it would be quiet
alone
normal
to not do this would be too much like them
it would just be... too much
too little
too late
and i can't have that,
i do this because i have to
because today is tuedsay
because it's 2:17
becuase it's july

i do this because i want to
but somewhere along the way
wanting gave way to being
and this is who i've become
a man who lives
and who dies
by way of wanting
for me there is no other way
i will be greater because of it
i will suffer in-spite of it
i will hurt
i will love
i will learn
i will do this-
because i have no choice-
because it has chosen me
and i- have accepted...


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