Saturday, March 19, 2016

my mother died from throat cancer

really
it was the chemo that killed her
technically
her death certificate says that COPD,
is what killed her...

she was supposed to do 12 chemotherapy treatments
and a bunch of radiation

she had to wear some kind of plastic, or resin, or maybe it was polymer
face mask
the mask helped administer the radiation,
into her body...

she said many times
that when she was done
she was going to smash that fucking mask.

my mother died from throat cancer
she never made it to her 12th chemotherapy appointment
she died, shortly after the 11th...

i have a bunch of her things
in boxes
bins
bags

i was cleaning the garage
and i found a box
her radiation mask was inside
along with some other things

i took out the mask and
i smashed it
stepped on it
stomped it,
i did it for her
but it didn't break very well
some pieces broke off
cracked
but some of it-
just kind of took on another shape
parts of the mask folder over,
under my foot
onto itself

i kept smashing it for
a little while longer
and then i was done.

i cleaned up the pieces;
what was left of the mask
i threw it all away, in a home depot contractor grade garbage bag
and i didn't feel any better
or worse
nothing changed
nothing happened

i closed the garage door

my mother was dead from COPD,
i went inside

and i went to sleep...

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